But! I wanted to continue, because what could make you (the reader) feel better when you're down in the dumps about your own writing (which is fantastic, btw) than laughing at the stupidity of my old writing attempts?
Last time, I despaired that I couldn't find numbers 2 and 3 from my list. BUT JOYOUS DAY, I FOUND THEM RECENTLY! So I can regale you with actual lines from this "book." XD
Oh, look! I'm finding new details already. In the last post I made about this story, I said that Matthew Squeakly was a mouse. Well I was wrong, he's a hamster. And the subtitle is "A Hero is Born," and the subtitle under THAT is "Episode 1." EPISODE ONE, GUYS. How long was I planning to make it? And how hilarious is it that I couldn't even get through the first episode? X)
By the way, that makes the full title look something like this:
The Adventures of
A Hero is Born
And look at this, each chapter also has a title!
Chapter 1: A Day at School
Chapter 2: Crazy Plan, Crazy Mouse (w-wait, NOW he's a mouse?!?)
Chapter 3: A Rat's Trap
Chapter 4: Are Seed Booths Unfair? (WAT?)
Chapter 5: New Friend
Chapter 6: Not my Girlfriend! (That's definitely an 8-year-old type thing to say)
Chapter 7: Warrior (Well that escalated quickly)
Chapter 8: The Tradition (this chapter received half a page of scrawled text, and that's as far as I got)
Lemme break down each chapter for you:
1 - Matthew and his friend Mark decide at recess that they will go and catch the jewel thieves that are on the loose, because A) the police are useless, and B) AND I QUOTE, "It's about time I had an adventure, anyway!"
2 - Matthew and Mark plan their caper with stimulating conversation such as,
"AHA! I've got it!"
"What is it?"
"Tell me! Tell me the plan!"
They decide to meet at the olive grove at midnight, go to the old mill where the robbers are hiding out because THE NEWS ON THE RADIO THAT MORNING THAT AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD HAMSTER CHILD WOULD TOTALLY LISTEN TO SAID THAT THE ROBBERS WERE HIDING OUT THERE. IT MAKES TOTAL SENSE YOU GUYS. These children are going to board up the windows and doors so that the robbers can't get out, and then call the police on Mark's cellphone. Oh! OOHHHHHHH THE GENIUS! I'M IN AWE.
3 - At 11:59, M and M snuck through the trees, approached the windmill (yes, windmill. By they olive grove. WHERE THE HECK DID I GET "OLIVE GROVE" FROM?!?), and waited for the thieves to go to bed, which happened at 12:30. Lucky them. M and M set to work, and were magically finished sealing the rats inside after six capitalized "bangs." It went a little something like this (actually, it went exactly like this, this is an exact quote):
BANG BANG BANG
BANG BANG BANG
"What the?!" the rats yelled. "What is that?" They where to late. (ah, love that 8-year-old spelling. End quote, also.)
By 1:00, M and M were back in bed and the rats were in jail. Police procedure doesn't take nearly as long as people think it does, apparently.
4 - By this time, a whole 7 hours later, everyone at school had already heard about their heroic feat, and wanted M and M to tell them about it. Apparently our "heroes" decided to MAKE A PROFIT FROM THIS and charged seeds (hamster/mouse currency, I guess) before they told the tale. Nothing came of this chapter, and no answer to the titular question was offered. This chapter was a non-event.
5 - Suddenly, SUMMER! Mark's family was off on vacation, and Matthew was lonely. Then, he meets a mouse girl (yes, this one is ACTUALLY a mouse) named Lisa, they played together, everyone was very happy, yay.
6 - Mark came back, all three played together, yay friends. School came around again, and "there were rumors going around that someone had a girlfriend." Which, I suppose might be a big deal in elementary school? I don't know. Homeschooler, over here. Anyway, it's revealed that people think that Matthew and Lisa are an item, which enrages Matthew, because there's nothing on this earth worse than being in a relationship. We don't see Lisa in this chapter, so we don't know what she thinks of it. Then the chapter's over.
7 - Oh look! It's the day before Matthew's 12th birthday. So maybe I WAS older than 8 when I wrote this? But I'm almost certain I wasn't 12 yet.... maybe I was 9 or 10? Whatever. I was too young to properly construct a book. Anyway, school is a bore, Matthew can't concentrate, the day is finally over, Matthew can't sleep, finally it's morning, and Mom and Dad Squeakly are waiting for Matthew with two special presents. Lo and behold, they are a shining sword and a green hat (sort of a cross between Peter Pan's hat and Link's hat). Oh gosh. This next quote. "Matthew was speechless. Matthew the everyday hampster (yes, hamPster) had become Matthew the warrior!" A sword (and a hat) does not a warrior make, younger me. What's your issue?
8 - I'll give you this chapter verbatim, because it's quite short:
In this town, there is a tradition, that, when a boy becomes of age, they are to recieve a sword and hat. They are to practice until the can use the sword to fight and defend themselves and others. Then the are to travel the world, and fight
And that's it. That's where the book ends, spelling errors and all.
I feel like this post is way too long for the subject material, but I couldn't stop quoting this stupid thing. XD Ah, my childhood. Well anyway, look forward to the next book on the list, which I wrote around the same time, but a little later. So if I was 9 for this one, I was 10 for that one, etc.
Do you have any stories from years gone by that make you laugh and/or cringe? Do tell, I'd love to hear about them. ;)